Due to the love I have for the Tamil people, I cannot stay silent on recent revelations that have been bothering me and the community as a whole.\u00a0Several brave women have come out with accounts of rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse by Tamil men.\u00a0Sexual violence is a problem with all communities and the Tamil community is not exempt from it. It should be obvious that this is not a Tamil problem or a\u00a0man problem.\u00a0Women are not the only victims of sexual violence\u2014men, as well as those who identify with others genders also experience these unfortunate realities. Having said that, I write this article intending for all Tamil men to be the audience. As one of you, I can only speak to the experiences we mutually share.\u00a0I want to speak to my brothers and let you know I love each and every one of you, but there\u2019s a crucial change that we must collectively agree upon for the betterment of our community.\u00a0My words are not written to convince you, but rather to offer a different lens on this subject of Rape Culture.\u00a0I do not approach the following messages with a holier-than-thou attitude, nor do I claim to be perfect. I\u2019m far from it, and I do not claim to be an educator. I\u2019m simply a human being who respects other human beings. I also acknowledge the fact I will never fully understand what life is like from the perspective of a woman, especially one who has lived through a nightmare. I am forever unlearning. I\u2019m an observer and a constant corrector of my outdated mentalities.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Rape culture is a social construct where rape and sexual violence against women are normalized. Rape culture is not just about sexual violence, but also about the institutions and cultural normalities that protect rapists and shame victims. The most common examples of this come in the form\u00a0of criticizing how a woman dresses, and how she conducts herself, as excuses for attracting the rapist\u2019s attention.\u00a0Every woman, regardless of their community, is affected by rape culture. The rape of one woman is a terror, and limitation to all women. Most women and girls live their entire lives in fear of rape, while men, in general, do not. Due to this, rape culture allows for men to place a powerful hold on the entire female population, and keep them in a subordinate position to males. There are many things that men, as a collective, need to become aware of. I\u2019ve headlined some subtopics (not ordered by importance) that I personally think need to be immediately considered by us: <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\n know that sounds rough. You might be thinking that it sounds attacking,\n and downright inaccurate, because you\u2019re not a rapist right?\nI feel you\u200a\u2014\u200abut try to imagine having to navigate the world always afraid you could get raped<\/em>.\n Even though women aren\u2019t the only victims of rape, the big smacking \nfact is that the overwhelmingly largest portion of all reported rapes \nare COMMITTED BY MEN. According to the US Department of Justice, over \n90% of all rape scenarios involve a female victim with a male \nperpetrator.\u00a0So\n simply by association, all men over the world are part of rape culture.\n I\u2019m part of rape culture. Your father, brother, homies, and male \nassociates are all of rape culture. Understand that the existence of \nrape culture exists exclusively because of the males.\u00a0\nWe\n make the argument that some women lie, and\/or exaggerate the truth, and\n that \u201cthere\u2019s always two sides to a story.\u201d While this may be true in \ncertain circumstances, we have to recognize and accept that historically\n when it comes to sexual violence, women are NOT lying.<\/em> We must try to reason with this topic statistically and logically.\u00a0<\/em>In\n addition, we must understand that in most communities, especially ours,\n a woman has a lot more to lose by publicly announcing her trauma. I.e. \nparents asking questions like \u201cwho will marry you now?\u201dThe\n tendency to complain about how unfair it is that you are \u201ccategorized\u201d \nautomatically is natural, but in order to be a true ally, you must learn\n to channel that feeling of frustration to focus on why this problem \nexists globally in the first place. The quicker you consciously register\n this mentality, the better you position yourself to help and empathize \nwith the women who we have collectively hurt.\u00a0\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n Most\n of us men rarely fear for our safety when we\u2019re out at night. We can, \nfor the most part, go pretty much wherever we want in the world, at any \ntime of day or night without problems. We have extreme luxury in our \nmovement and freedom of choice. A part of rape culture is that women, \nhalf of the world\u2019s population, have the opposite experience.\u00a0\nTaking\n an Uber, going for runs at the park, working out in the gym, walking \nalone in a car garage, working alone in the office\u200a\u2014\u200aall scary \nactivities for women. A woman must consider her safety in where she\u2019s \ngoing, who she\u2019s meeting, her travel methods, times she might be left \nalone\u200a\u2014\u200amany more considerations than we can\u2019t even possibly imagine.\nDue\n to the conditioning that men have set, it makes sense why women are so \nscared. For the men who are serious about creating an actual end to rape\n culture, consider going<\/em>out of our way<\/em> to ensure the safety of the women we interact with. An example of this is to be overly respectful of physical space.\nWe might ask:\u00a0\u201cIs it fair that we have to adjust ourselves because of the bad behavior of other men?\u201d\u00a0Is\n that the women\u2019s fault? Or the fault of the male abusers who make the \nrest of us look bad? Whether we like it or not, we are judged by the \nworst examples of our gender. I know a lot of men who hate the term \u2018men\n are trash\u2019 but are we really doing enough, as a gender, to change that \nperception?\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even\n though this may seem self-explanatory, the lack of understanding this \nbasic concept is the root cause of most of problems in rape culture. The\n definition of consent is a \u201cvoluntary agreement.\u201d It means that a \nperson must have full ability to make a decision about committing to \nsexual engagement, without convincing, manipulation, force, coercion, or deception.\u00a0<\/em>\nIf\n she doesn\u2019t want you, she doesn\u2019t want you. Respect that, and move on. \nMany seem to get lost in the entitlement trap of thinking that women owe\n men their bodies. Even if she\u2019s your significant other, she owes you \nnothing.\u00a0\nIf your partner takes initiative in some activity, that\u2019s enthusiastic consent. Consent can also be taken away at any time.\u00a0When\n you take initiative, and ask \u201ccould I\u2026?\u201d and you hear responses along \nthe lines of \u201cI guess,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not sure\u201d, OR \u201cI\u2019m not comfortable,\u201d that \nis NOT enthusiastic consent. If you find yourself in a position to \nwhiningly ask and your partner says something along the lines of \u201cFine, \ngo ahead\u2026\u201d that its also NOT enthusiastic consent. All of this applies \nto body language as well. In addition to verbal consent, ensure that \nyour parter is physically engaged. If they are wincing, tense, quiet, or\n in any way unengaged, that is NOT enthusiastic consent.The\n only difficulty in identifying enthusiasm in a sexual situation is \nhaving genuine concern for the wishes, feelings, and well-being of the \nperson you\u2019re with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s\n not uncommon for Tamil men to grow up cherished in their households \nsimply for our gender. Plenty of sisters who grew up with brothers can \nelaborate on the stark differences in how their parents treat their kids\n based on gender.\u00a0\nIn\n these environments, subservient female behavior becomes the norm and \nexpectation. Mothers and sisters comply with the role of treating the \nfathers and sons in ways that show that males are more important.\u00a0As this is continually reinforced, we, as men, begin feeling entitlement\u200a\u2014\u200athis is toxic and not normal.\u00a0This\n entitled behavior gets mixed with the current cultural representation \nof women: objectifying them and calling them names. This theme is \nreinforced in our lives\u200a\u2014\u200apop culture and media prove it.\nRape\n normalization is prevalent in a lot of the language that men speak: \n\u201cShe was dressed provocatively. She was asking for it.\u201d\u00a0\nHell, it\u2019s lyrics to a popular song: \u201cI know you want it.\u201d\nOne\n example is through Kollywood. Tamil films arguably play a huge part in \nshaping the mindsets of a lot of our men. It\u2019s a Tamil trend to use \nhyper-masculine and hyper-sexist male characters knowing that these \nsorts of characters will connect with a young, male audience. There are \nhundreds of examples where the male protagonist carries himself as if he\n can use rape as a weapon to protect his male-ego and masculinity.\nMany \nTamil films also cater to displaying predatory protagonist behaviors. \nIt\u2019s not hard to find a flick where the \u201chero\u201d relentlessly harasses and\n stalks his love interest until a relationship is achieved.Through this conditioning, even women become conditioned to believe this is what love is supposed to be.\u00a0A\n consequential reality of this type of normalization is that, \ninevitably, certain male audiences (especially the younger ones) will \ntake these fictional character\u2019s traits and apply it subconsciously to \ntheir real life behaviors. \u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sexual\n violence, harassment, and abuse towards women is not a new phenomenon. \nBut how does this type of violence towards women get normalized and \nlegitimated? Through the use of humor.\nHow\n we think about rape culture is conditioned by various factors, and \nsolidified by the \u201cbro code.\u201d This code is represented by the life of \nsexism, porn, misogyny, and rape\u200a\u2014\u200aall often applauded and rewarded by \nthe bros. When a bro successfully executes on an orchestrated and \nplanned manipulation to have sex with a woman, often by using alcohol as\n a coercion tool, he pridefully boasts to his boys about his conquest. \nWhen the bros high-five and dap each other up for these acts, the \nperpetual negative cycle continues.\nHumor\n that normalizes and justifies sexual violence is never acceptable. Call\n out your boys, correct their behavior, and most importantly hold each \nother accountable. Rape is never a funny punchline. Rape jokes \ndelegitimize sexual violence, making it harder for victims to speak up \nwhen their consent is violated. Recognize your privilege to joke about the subject, when others have to live their entire life with the trauma<\/strong>.\n If you\u2019re still bros with someone who sexually assaulted and abused \nsomeone, you\u2019re complying to his actions. You\u2019re part of the problem for\n not doing anything about it.\nIf you\u2019re a true advocate for the liberation and freedom of women, it\u2019s up to us to do our parts. Do\u00a0not tolerate these jokes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Victim\n blaming suggests that the victim rather than the perpetrator bears \nresponsibility for the assault. It\u2019s when the victim wore something, \nspoke something, or acted in a way to provoke the violence. Due to the \nprevalence of victim blaming in rape culture, it\u2019s become a tool to \ncompletely take away the responsibility of the perpetrator and allow \nrape culture to continue to exist. This tool has silenced the voices of billions<\/em> of survivors of sexual and domestic violence.\nFor\n many of us men, it requires asking \u201cwhat if this happened to our mother\n or sister?\u201d to activate any sort of empathy in recognizing women as \nhuman beings. Let\u2019s remember that women don\u2019t need to be linked by an \nassociation to a man (such as wife, mother, sister, daughter) in order \nfor them to have value.\nVictim blaming looks like this:\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n We\n need to crystallize the understanding that no matter what a woman \nchooses to wear, how much alcohol she consumes, or what her previous \nsexual history was, it is never the victim\u2019s fault<\/em>.\nThink\n about the word dressing \u201cprovocatively\u00a0.\u201d It literally translates to \ndressing in way that provokes\u200a\u2014\u200aprovokes what? A loss of control over \nour bodies? When we tell women to drink less and dress less revealing, \nwe are essentially telling them \u201cmake sure the rapist rapes someone \nelse.\u201d Instead of addressing the rapist, we criticize the victim, and \nthe cycle continues.\u00a0Let\u2019s dead this privileged mentality of ours, and start seeing it for what it is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As mentioned earlier, women from all communities suffer from rape culture. The recently unraveled instances in our community have shown the need for these open dialogues to continue.We, as men, are to be blamed for the fear women have against us. This includes all of us, includes me. I\u2019m not exempt from being part of rape culture just because I wrote this article. I, like you, have to put the work in every single day for the rest of my life<\/em> to unlearn centuries of oppressive ways I\u2019ve been taught. Let\u2019s stop blaming the victim. Let\u2019s stop trivializing sexual assault with non-sense statements like \u201cboys will be boys.\u201d Let\u2019s stop associating \u201cmanhood\u201d with sexual aggressiveness and \u201cwomanhood\u201d with sexual submission.\u00a0 Many Tamil men are products of a unique combination of generational PTSD induced by the Tamil genocide and growing up in a patriarchal society reinforced by toxic family environments, and mainstream Tamil entertainment.<\/strong> We must become self-aware of how we are moving as a collective, and really start questioning our mentalities towards women. It should not require analogizing sexual violence victims with our mothers or sisters for us to empathize and do something constructive. Misogyny has been historically tied to masculinity\u200a\u2014\u200atherefore, us men need to deliberately transform our masculinity so that it doesn\u2019t rely on the subjugation of women. The generalized attitude of male supremacy is universal. We, as men, need to combat rape culture by teaching boys how to treat girls right. Instead of forcing modesty in how girls dress, let\u2019s teach our boys to see girls as human beings and not as sexual objects. <\/p>\n\n\n\n ||Arivozhi Adiaman ||<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Guest Column:<\/strong> republished with permission from the author. <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Sexual violence is a problem with all communities and the Tamil community is not exempt from it. It should be obvious that this is not a Tamil problem, or a man problem. Women are not the only victims of sexual violence\u2014men, as well as those who identify with others genders also experience these unfortunate realities.Having said that, I write this article intending for all Tamil men to be the audience. As one of you, I can only speak to the experiences we mutually share. I want to speak to my brothers and let you know I love each and every one of you, but there\u2019s a crucial change that we must collectively agree upon for the betterment of our community. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[33,30,32,31],"class_list":["post-598","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-attem-journal","tag-arivozhi","tag-rapeculture","tag-tamilcommunity","tag-tamilmen"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/misfitsforchange.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/598","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/misfitsforchange.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/misfitsforchange.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/misfitsforchange.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/misfitsforchange.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=598"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/misfitsforchange.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/598\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1243,"href":"https:\/\/misfitsforchange.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/598\/revisions\/1243"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/misfitsforchange.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=598"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/misfitsforchange.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=598"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/misfitsforchange.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=598"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}2. MAKE WOMEN FEEL\u00a0SAFE\n<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT IS MANDATORY\n<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. ABOLISH MALE GLORIFICATION AND RAPE NORMALIZATION IN OUR COMMUNITY\n<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. DON\u2019T TOLERATE YOUR BRO\u2019S JOKES AGAINST\u00a0WOMEN\u00a0\n<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
6. STOP VICTIM\u00a0BLAMING\n<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
ENDING THOUGHTS\n<\/h3>\n\n\n\n